INvMe

Dear Blog,

Money can’t buy you love, but if you drop 30 quid on an umbrella in London it will stop raining instantly.

Was meant to meet up with an old friend today. Our wires got crossed and it never panned out. On the positive side it gave me the chance to spend a few hours pacing a small stretch of street whilst waiting for her to not show up. This is now my part of London (simply because it’s the one place I’ve spent the most time at thus far in the Big Smoke.) I was the only person not moving somewhere and it seemed I began to elicit some sideways glances from walkers-by and coppers.

I must have looked quite a fool, pacing impatiently and looking at my watch every two minutes as if to say- “I’m loitering for a reason. I’m waiting for someone. I’m one of you. Look at me… I’m checking my watch… again!” After about one and a half hours, which would be the forty fifth glance down at the wrist watch, the irony set in. I’m standing underneath Big Ben, possibly the worlds most famous clock, yet had not once thought to look up for the time (and possibly blend in with the crowds?)

But hey, at least it wasn’t raining right Blog?

theroyalwee

Dear Ellis, my ten-pound nephew,

A few gems for you in case you find yourself across the pond:

1) Don’t start smoking. This applies anywhere.

2) Try the black pudding.

3) DO NOT ask what it is made of.

4) Never trust a redhead. Most of them do not have souls. You will not learn this in school and people will tell you it is not true. You may even find yourself in a discussion regarding the essence of the soul and whether a soul in fact exists or not. Disregard this. Redheads are to be avoided at all costs.

5) In the event that you have disregarded gem #1, do not ever believe it is possible to quit smoking in Europe. You might as well be shaving with a wet noodle.

6) Along with redheads, avoid budget airlines that peddle gambling. Any company whose main objective is to defy gravity ought never be in the odds-making industry. Today a flight attendant wanted me to buy a lottery ticket. Rather than enjoy the English countryside below me I, for the first time, read and re-read the emergency landing instructions. It’s just not right Ellis… dammit.

Your doting Guncle,

theroyalwee

Dear Blog,

Sorry I haven’t written, Blog. Been awash in Irish hospitality. You must understand that I’ve never owned one of you before. I’m not even sure what I’m meant to feed you- of course I assume you eat words and so, well, eat up B-boy. Please tell me Blog, are you covered in hair or feathers? Do you feed your young at the teet? Warm or cold blooded? Do you lay eggs, and if so, perhaps we could swap words for eggs? I’m hungry myself.

So much to say. Been staying with a lovely couple in a village just outside of Dublin. Beautiful area. I’ve been hauled up mountains and in and out of pubs by my new ambassadors here. Needless to say it beats wandering aimlessly by myself. To be honest, I don’t really want to leave. Think me might be Irish. People here have been so incredibly friendly, beyond putting a roof over my head and feeding me there was even talk of finding me a nice local lass. Can’t beat that kind of hospitality now can you?

Piece in the Middle East, Blog,

theroyalwee

Dear Blog,

Feeling better today. Woke up at about 6:30, which means I’m still not quite accustomed to this time zone. I’d never get up that early unless it entailed fishing or a fire under my mattress. Wandered aimlessly about the neighborhood. Tons of pubs, Irish pubs incidentally. Who knew?

My cold morphed into a fever last night so I dipped into my first aid kit and took what I think was aspirin… I bought a French first aid kit apparently. Found a pharmacy this morning and got some more meds. I got this great stuff you put in water and it makes the most delicious orange drug-drink. I want a second dose purely for the taste of it. It’s like KoolAid with crack in it.

Met a couple of nice girls from Ohio who might join me later tonight. Going to check out the comedy festival that’s happening here in Dublin this week. Apparently Chris Rock is here. Blog, Is he Irish? I had no idea.

More news- heard from my Slovenian friend who, coincidentally, is in London town for the rest of the month. Another reason to head that way. Dublin is great, but I’ve no friends here and would really like some friendly company.

Must have been talking in my sleep last night. Woke up with the feeling I’d just spouted off something or other. The Norwegians next to me had a look of fear in their eyes that I, in a bit of a daze, chalked up to nothing more than Norwegian sleeping customs. Maybe, like sharks who sleep with eyes and mouth open, the Norwegians tend to sleep with eyes open and a look of disgust on their faces? This morning I’ve gotten a few strange looks which makes me that that, maybe maybe, my dream about chasing unicorns through the West Edmonton Mall might have been shared with everyone in my dorm room. Oops. Needless to say, given the large amounts of mucus oozing out of my nose, my cough, and my performance last night, it may be a good idea to move on soon.

Take care, Blog,

theroyalwee

Dear Blog,

Landed in Dublin today. Realized my hostel is situated in the heart of touristville. Surrounded by Canadian wankers. Was going to stay up all day to get rid of the jet-lag, but just discovered pints are half the price they were earlier in the summer.

Chorus: Hooray!

Bottle of shampoo exploded in my bag, presumably somewhere over the Atlantic. Couldn’t figure out where the fruity smell was coming from on the 1 hour bus ride into town. Thought maybe these Irish all wore the same fragrance (Irish Spring?). Ooops, just one Canadian wanker apparently.

The Irish men all look similar. Stout-ish, short haired with crow’s beak hairlines, pointy noses and thin lips. Given I have the hair, nose, lips (and a stoutness that seems to be slowly creeping up on me) I’ve decided that I have license to point that out. Handsome devils.

Not used to the hostel life. Changing clothes in front of strange women, language barriers. Punks. Bunkbeds. Strange women…. You know what I mean, Blog.

Later,

theroyalwee